Back from the Deep End

Have you ever lost your mind temporarily? I sure feel like I have for the last couple months. I've been hesitating to blog about it. While I haven't been fighting an uncommon problem, it is a problem that I'd rather ignore than address. I've been fighting the deepest depression I've ever experienced.

Depression is a preposterous condition to find myself in. We recently moved from Wyoming to California, and while Wyoming was our home for 10 years, CA was our home for all the other years of our lives. It's a wonderful feeling to come "home" after all these years, so the depression I've been in for a few months is all tangled up with guilt. Not a good combination...

On the surface, I have no reason to be sad. It would appear that we've gained what we've been longing for, and we have to a degree, but that doesn't mean life's easy from here on out. There's always an ebb and flow to life, a give and take, so all our gains are tempered by our losses.

The past 3 years of our lives have been pretty frenetic. We found out we were expecting a very unexpected baby, subsequently remodeled and added on to the tiny house that didn't feel big enough for a family of 5, I returned to work with baby in tow after a 6 week maternity leave, juggled work and family for a year before resigning, and then we started our own business last summer. Whew! It was a challenging business, too, physically demanding and time consuming. But, it was the profits from that business that enabled us to move and be near our families again.

Ebb and flow. Sacrifice and reward.

Needless to say, I've been running on an intense adrenaline high for 3 years. I've become a junkie. Bummer. It kind of snuck up on me. Since our move, I've been a full time stay at home mom (which is an adjustment all by itself even outside of the 40% income reduction). I have been (subconsciously) frantically trying to recreate the adrenaline rushes I've become used to by excessive craftiness. It feels so lame, to say "Hi, my name's Mariah, and I'm a psychotic crafter because I can't stand to be alone with my thoughts." It took me a while to realize what I was doing. I started realizing that I had a problem when I noticed how many projects I had started without finishing the previous ones. I was masking the void I was feeling by engulfing myself in busy-ness. The list of creations I've made and baked is pretty extensive, almost shameful.

So, here's the bottom line, I've been fighting the shadow that is depression. I'm giving myself permission to be still and save time for reflection. I'm putting off my return to school until next year. I'm taking care of myself: good food, vitamins, some supplements specific to hormonal balance, exercise, feeding the spiritual side, too. It's okay to have quiet seasons in life. I think I've been needing one. I'm on the verge of kicking this depression in the butt, so I won't be an absent blogger anymore :)

I'm looking forward to finishing the other projects I've started, in a nice orderly manner.

Remember, it's not possible to see the light while looking in the shadows, look up from where you are.

Mariah